I need to learn to let go, and Understand How I Feel!

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In my brief span of 20 years I have witnessed good and bad relationships between people, my mother's, her friend's, my grandmother's, my friend's, and my father's relationships as they have gone bad. Now what boggles me is how this has affected me, I always thought I would never care for some one enough to do crazy things. Most people would say you haven't loved until you wanted to kill someone, and they are right. I would never actually kill some one, for I am way to smart to put my self into a position like that, but I will admit that one does let the thought slip into ones mind when influenced by love that you cannot have. At a young age a vowed to never ever even think like any one of the men that ever graced my life through dating my mother.

I cannot even see how I have this thing that I once said to never allow into my life with the exception of my mother. A few years ago I would have laughed if you asked me if I wanted kids, but upon being in such a strong relationship things changed and I though about life differently. Some thing, I will agree are for the better but a few I deal with now as constraining factors in my life. The reason this is oppressing me is probably for lack of someone to make me feel good about myself other than myself in my earlier years. You cannot stop it, it is love that takes hold even when you are that coldest, most non caring person ever, and even if you could drink lead pain and laugh, you cannot stand tall in the face of love.

I believe LOVE is a addiction to pleasant chemical reactions that go off inside your brain while participating with another being that you, initially find attractive. At a basic level, such as mine, where I have only three people I have ever loved. One must wonder how it could be such a controlling factor in peoples everyday lives.

I am thankful that I fell in love, because I would not have ended up in as good of a situation as I am now. Because of love, I truly care about myself as a human being. I am healthy and enjoy exercise; I make, work for, and keep goals; Also I like other people more. This is all because someone made ME feel like I was worth something. It is a great feeling, truly addicting, and I understand why people go crazy to get it, but that is not me. Even though it would feel so great to have this feeling in my life everyday, I must stop it now so that it does not control me. As with anything you must take love in moderation, never allowing it to be a deciding factor in your life.

Before I actually experienced love I mad one more vow to myself, this is from a young age (I would say 12). I told myself that I would never allow worldly things control what I do everyday, this is because I saw things like money and cars always taking precedence in the lives of people around me. Unknowing to me was love which can be described in the same way, and with that it slipped into my life under my radar and road block I had worked so hard to build all my life. Thus it was something new and I did not have proper understanding on how to handle it.

Now having a few years to understand and now finally seeing the control it has put into my life. I must inevitably make another vow to myself, and declare it onto the world. These words that come next are to myself only, I do not intend for anyone to take them to heart as their own.

Dear Tony,

I understand your feelings are strong, but I will no longer allow these feelings to control you. I will allow you to have feelings such as love, but only on the understanding that you are not making decisions based on the feeling. Your mind is yours to think with, do not allow it to be persuaded by your heart, just as you would never allow it to be affected by promiscuity, or worldly factors. Love is good, you must understand this, because unlike other things that must be blocked from your mind at all times, this cannot, for when it does you will shut down, and good will not come from the hatred that will be negatively placed into your life from the lack of love. I just want you to remember that I love you, just as much as the two others that you have been blessed to have come across in your life thus far!

With The Most Sincerity,

Anthony Carothers

Comments (2)

Love is not just feelings! It's also a decision and one should keep this in mind when they realize that the people they love and the people around them are not quite........perfect!! Let loose, show some love, some real love, and you will receive love 10 fold. Love is all that can keep us going in the interpersonal world in which we live. Sounds like you're real high up on your pity pot, when what you should realize is that"shit happens" and nobody is perfect, but do you ask yourself "have they tried?" Have you really tried yourself? I challenge you to put your past aside and remember lessons learned so you may better yourself and spread some love instead of looking at "Love" as some bad and evil thing! Life is short my friend. Maybe it's time you tried to be part of it!
With all sincerity,
Love's Messenger

Wow, how informative, I like your take on what I said. Really it wasn't meant to be a bad thing, but just a release of my own feelings and frustration. Either way its no big deal to me, I have already moved on.

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